My Most Awkward Crush

The flow of Energy is palpable. I know it's me and not you. I haven't felt that charge, that potentiality, in months... it's been so long I can't even remember what It feels like. 

Yet here It is. Remember me?

It's so potent that simultaneously, the cheeks flush, the heart skips then accelerates, the mind draws a blank and words feel... dumb. The whole of my being feels deliciously dumb and I suddenly find it challenging to inhabit a mindbody I've comfortably called home for thirty seven years.  

Quick, retreat into the mind!

But there is no escape from the stupidly large grin burning hot, hard, and high through my cheeks, the heart vibrating in its chest cavity, the fingertips jittering electric.

Words happening, physically fumbling, blushing... anguish... a most delightful form of torture, it seems, grins the masochist in me... 

I can't disembody nor do I really want to, but it's seemingly excruciating playing battery with this unfathomably large charge. I fear that a finite body can't contain It. It is just too big. Won't it blow? 

I want to discharge It.

I want to let It flow. 

<I need to Allow.>

So here I stand, fully embodied, fully present and acutely aware of all of It and none of It at the same time. And here I am, shaping incomprehensible wind flows through the mouth cavity with its fleshy musculature, standing upon two feet and gesticulating, trusting that the hands don't look dumb as they do whatever it is that hands do when the heart is pouring through its mouth.

Awkward. Embodying the avatar like this feels awkward. 

And electric. 

And magical. 

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I know it's me and not you. I've been told by previous partners that they've experienced Divinity through the portal of this mindbody... "You're so incredibly... powerful," they've said, time and again. I get it – it's all happening within, it's all generated from within – it's me and not you... 

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It was weeks ago, maybe months, that I was left wondering aloud in my womyn's circle: how am I going to integrate this seemingly compartmentalized element of myself – the Sensual, Sexual Goddess – if I so seldom have an opportunity to meet with Her? How can I integrate a seemingly fragmented shadow self if she only arises in the most improbably specific of circumstances? 

Then the Universe introduced me to you. 

The answer is that these awkward moments are the "how" of my psychospiritual growth. 

This, exactly this, is how: by feeling the Energy flowing, by allowing it to pass through, build, crash, and subside, while maintaining connection with the Higher, Integrated Self throughout the process. 

I may feel awkward at this time, as I step into this greater way of being, but with practice, the Whole that I Am will flow effortlessly through the whole of this mindbody. 

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I'm grateful that my Most Awkward Crush knows that I'm doing this work and can hold space for this process. I'm grateful that this person can gently and lovingly maintain a simple, platonic, beautifully heart-filled friendship with me while I step into this Greater Self. 

I'm grateful for my magical womyn's circle in which my witchy little self can continue to grow and develop in efficacy as an embodied being.

I'm grateful for my beautiful little community in which I can safely bumble around like a toddler when I need to. 

God, I'm just so overwhelmingly grateful for the whole of it All.