Awe is "a We" – Leveling up on 4/20

With breath and intention – the body exhausted from ecstatic dance, the mind still from single point meditation, sober as stone and luminous as the sun – I drop deep into The Void. This is my practice on Tuesday, 20 April 2021.

My question was, "Why this particular body?" My intention, "Surrender to the Highest, Greatest Good for myself and All; give, receive, learn, teach, whatever, whatever, whatever."

—

I have ceased to exist. From this emptiness, an ineffable, indescribable, pulsing energetic flow emerges that the intellect couldn't begin to grasp at even if it tried, even if it were still coherent within this Boundless Infinite. This toroidal field envelopes the whole of the cosmos, all of the stars and galaxies and the largest of cosmic structures ad infinitum. There is no such thing as time. There is no such thing as space. The All of the Everything is simultaneously completely full and completely empty both at the same time.   

There is no "I" of this eye that sees: this is the I of The Eye. 

All there is, is Flow, Peace, Joy, Love, Ecstasy, and AWE. 

And I, too, would be completely in awe, if I existed at all.  But I don't. But what is having this seemingly impersonal, seemingly  deeply personal, experience? 

It's perfect waves, perfect flows, perfect nothingness. It's all one cosmic orgasm, incomparable to embodied orgasm in every way. It blows out the chakras because chakras simply don’t exist in this sublime space of exquisite grace.

—

A distant voice breaks through the dreamer's dreaming, reawakening the form. It's time to come back to the body.

I don't want to come back. Please, no, not yet. I'm not ready to come back. Please, just a little longer. The body would be pleading if I could embody and formulate thoughtforms or language. 

It's time to come back. 

Eventually, the body heeds the spoken word, following these loving commands, and sits up slowly. It's so dense and yet so clear, and tears are silently streaming down its cheeks. It sinks back down into child's pose, forehead hitting the floor.

Someone says something about the lights coming on.  

It just rests. Still. This child, surrendered completely to The All. This child, still utterly in awe of it All. Breath moving into the flesh bag and out and in a repeating loop most effortlessly and continuously in one singular fluid motion. 

Then someone touches the small of its back, and suddenly a sweet song surrounds the small dreamer.  The music becomes a portal. As the hand moves up the spine, to the back of the heart, she is back in the body. Sobs arise from deep within the heartspace, loud sobs, sans thought or emotion, carrying sensation through the body. The beautiful, booming song draws out and carries the sensations further up and out and through: a fierce, electric heat emanates from the back of the heartspace, radiating outward; a deep energetic buzzing encircles the headspace; the hands are burning. The sensations arise, flow through, and cease into stillness. She's left feeling hot as she opens her eyes. 

—

I’m awestruck by the silent circle of beautiful human beings surrounding me, encircling me, kneeling and holding the space for this inexplicable process unfolding uncontrollably and oh so lovingly.

Tears stream down my cheeks as I gaze into each person’s eyes and bow to the unfathomable beauty of each person’s boundless heart before me. It’s all very overwhelming.

I am gratitude. My life is an expression of gratitude. And my name is gratitude. It’s all so very overwhelming.

Stepping outside into the fresh, clear air, I look up to the Moon. She is ringed in a radiant beam of luminous light, just as I was moments earlier with my twelve fellow earthbound travelers.

I leave in a trance, and sleep soon thereafter, more deeply than I have in years.

—

At some point afterwards, I realize that while I may have wanted the nothingness and AWE forever, I am everything in A WE for however long I am embodied.

—

I am the magic. I am the miracle.

We are the magic. We are the miracle.

—

Notes: 

I don’t know if this is directly related to this cosmically orgasmic experience, but two days after, I seem to have lost my physical capacity to have a spatially localized orgasm! I coupled with my amazing male friend the following day, and was completely surprised: it feels like the top of the mindbody tube has been blown off completely, and that the orgasms are diffusing throughout and beyond my whole being. I re-tested solo today (4/22), with the same outcomes. Craziness. Then (4/23) re-coupling with my male friend: it’s not an “or” but an “and” — holy shit — next level !!!

The other physical effect I’m noticing after this experience is that my physical and mental yoga practice has grown immeasurably. Both the acrobatics — the stability of arm balances (especially handstands) and flexibility in leg balances (e.g., dancer’s) — and the pranayam are linking effortlessly, while my mind remains at ease, clear and focused. If the asanas are any reliable indicator of intrapsychic change... holy fuck, shifts happen.

The Goddess

He calls me “Goddess,” “Venus.”

And that I am.

I’ve given birth to Universes, and collapsed under their weight only to expand again (though I’m not at all sure what I’m creating in this lifetime, except for maybe this endless series of perfect moments of fully embodied presence). 

I never been caught in this infinite orgasm loop while literally plugged in to another human being. 

He’s so fucking beautiful, and so open. 

I’ve never shared this particular energetic with another human being like this; yet I feel safe with him, safe to bring all aspects of my being transparently and fully into this moment. And there are no boundaries, no hesitations and no limitations to prevent this merger of equals and opposites as they compliment and complement one another.

I’m not in control of this process; yet I’m both The Cause and The Effect, the ocean and the ripple, the player and the instrument.

I can’t help but meet him, meeting me, in all this glory.

I choose the choiceless choice and give all of my self, my Self, my heart, mind, soul, and body — a present of presence both to and for myself, and to and for this other as myself.  

This bodymind is a portal to another dimension. Through it I touch the untouchable and unreachable, skipping stones on the surface of the infinite. Wave after wave. As one rises another crashes in one single note of some perfectly hummed harmony. I’m expanding and contracting and exploding and concentrating energy flows, a limitless battery and the lightening charge dancing electric on illuminated skies.

You illuminate me. 

I illuminate me, and you. 

We are luminous.

Courting a Divine Feminine

Your oceanic, intergalactic eyes of stardust spectacular wave me over, earnestly and evocatively saying hello, and suddenly I'm wavering – at the brink between sanity and madness, a laissez-faire teetering of heart and soul at the precipice of creation or cataclysm and perhaps both at once. My heart and spirit see yours, and I can offer in this courtship the only bouquet fit for your resplendence: the totality of my Being, my undivided awareness, the whole of my soul; all of my mundanity, my creativity, and my divinity. 

The way in which you exist in this world inspires me to weave together words, oh weaver of otherworldly embodied experience and magic! 

I love the way the whole of you glimmers sublime in the sunshine, your hair shimmering silver, light refracting and reflecting Light. You are the Light fantastic, Grace of the Goddess, all the Goodness of the Gods.

I love the way your body moves to music. I love the way your body creates music. I love that you are music. And that you are music to my soul. I love tasting the fruits of your wild, beautiful creative processes: your paintings, your weavings, your wanders, your writings, your dances and your circles spiraling high unto the heavens. 

I love the range and depth of your emotional, embodied experience. I love witnessing your rainbow body of feeling tones, from lighthearted joy effusive and diffuse dancing in the light, to the heavy weight of dark despair; no, I don't wish that you experience heartache, rage, challenge, or melancholy, but the grace with which you move through it all is a beautiful wonder. I am as awestruck by your smile as I am by your tears. 

I love the way your mind works. I love the way you cogitate, slice, perceive, question, and think; I drink thirsty from your endless well of fresh, cool perspectives in this desert landscape.  I love the delicate way you sometimes use your words, choose your words, dancing ideas softly articulate in spoken form – just as I love the flash of passion that sometimes flares when you're throwing layers of language down deep into the ground. 

You are endlessly magnetic in this majestic embodied form and I can't help but want to be near you. I love the sound and feeling of your heartbeat – the low hum of an ancient world's drum pressed against my chest, vibrating all creation into being. I love running my fingers across the small curve of your lower back, these vast sandstone landscapes echoing in the lines of your figure, these clouds of feeling, the softness of your cheek against mine. I love feeling your breath against my neck, like two swans entangled in the mystic mist of an endless emerald lake nestled in evergreens – and the way our wings touch, flexing and folding and fanning, when we lean in and kiss; time stops when we do; in fact, it never existed.

This is all a dream.  

And you are the dream from which I never want to awaken.

–

Dear One, I've known you for years now, and I've loved you this whole time, from the very moment I met you. 

And here we are.    

And now there's a new kind of "we." A "we" built on the firm foundations of time, trust, authenticity, and openness, hardship and play, challenge and ease. An effervescent, ever present "we" that's standing the test of time because it already has. 

And I feel immeasurable ease, eagerness and joy about beginning this new chapter in the Book of Lavender and Sage. Let’s call it Desert Primrose.