Awe is "a We" – Leveling up on 4/20

With breath and intention – the body exhausted from ecstatic dance, the mind still from single point meditation, sober as stone and luminous as the sun – I drop deep into The Void. This is my practice on Tuesday, 20 April 2021.

My question was, "Why this particular body?" My intention, "Surrender to the Highest, Greatest Good for myself and All; give, receive, learn, teach, whatever, whatever, whatever."

—

I have ceased to exist. From this emptiness, an ineffable, indescribable, pulsing energetic flow emerges that the intellect couldn't begin to grasp at even if it tried, even if it were still coherent within this Boundless Infinite. This toroidal field envelopes the whole of the cosmos, all of the stars and galaxies and the largest of cosmic structures ad infinitum. There is no such thing as time. There is no such thing as space. The All of the Everything is simultaneously completely full and completely empty both at the same time.   

There is no "I" of this eye that sees: this is the I of The Eye. 

All there is, is Flow, Peace, Joy, Love, Ecstasy, and AWE. 

And I, too, would be completely in awe, if I existed at all.  But I don't. But what is having this seemingly impersonal, seemingly  deeply personal, experience? 

It's perfect waves, perfect flows, perfect nothingness. It's all one cosmic orgasm, incomparable to embodied orgasm in every way. It blows out the chakras because chakras simply don’t exist in this sublime space of exquisite grace.

—

A distant voice breaks through the dreamer's dreaming, reawakening the form. It's time to come back to the body.

I don't want to come back. Please, no, not yet. I'm not ready to come back. Please, just a little longer. The body would be pleading if I could embody and formulate thoughtforms or language. 

It's time to come back. 

Eventually, the body heeds the spoken word, following these loving commands, and sits up slowly. It's so dense and yet so clear, and tears are silently streaming down its cheeks. It sinks back down into child's pose, forehead hitting the floor.

Someone says something about the lights coming on.  

It just rests. Still. This child, surrendered completely to The All. This child, still utterly in awe of it All. Breath moving into the flesh bag and out and in a repeating loop most effortlessly and continuously in one singular fluid motion. 

Then someone touches the small of its back, and suddenly a sweet song surrounds the small dreamer.  The music becomes a portal. As the hand moves up the spine, to the back of the heart, she is back in the body. Sobs arise from deep within the heartspace, loud sobs, sans thought or emotion, carrying sensation through the body. The beautiful, booming song draws out and carries the sensations further up and out and through: a fierce, electric heat emanates from the back of the heartspace, radiating outward; a deep energetic buzzing encircles the headspace; the hands are burning. The sensations arise, flow through, and cease into stillness. She's left feeling hot as she opens her eyes. 

—

I’m awestruck by the silent circle of beautiful human beings surrounding me, encircling me, kneeling and holding the space for this inexplicable process unfolding uncontrollably and oh so lovingly.

Tears stream down my cheeks as I gaze into each person’s eyes and bow to the unfathomable beauty of each person’s boundless heart before me. It’s all very overwhelming.

I am gratitude. My life is an expression of gratitude. And my name is gratitude. It’s all so very overwhelming.

Stepping outside into the fresh, clear air, I look up to the Moon. She is ringed in a radiant beam of luminous light, just as I was moments earlier with my twelve fellow earthbound travelers.

I leave in a trance, and sleep soon thereafter, more deeply than I have in years.

—

At some point afterwards, I realize that while I may have wanted the nothingness and AWE forever, I am everything in A WE for however long I am embodied.

—

I am the magic. I am the miracle.

We are the magic. We are the miracle.

—

Notes: 

I don’t know if this is directly related to this cosmically orgasmic experience, but two days after, I seem to have lost my physical capacity to have a spatially localized orgasm! I coupled with my amazing male friend the following day, and was completely surprised: it feels like the top of the mindbody tube has been blown off completely, and that the orgasms are diffusing throughout and beyond my whole being. I re-tested solo today (4/22), with the same outcomes. Craziness. Then (4/23) re-coupling with my male friend: it’s not an “or” but an “and” — holy shit — next level !!!

The other physical effect I’m noticing after this experience is that my physical and mental yoga practice has grown immeasurably. Both the acrobatics — the stability of arm balances (especially handstands) and flexibility in leg balances (e.g., dancer’s) — and the pranayam are linking effortlessly, while my mind remains at ease, clear and focused. If the asanas are any reliable indicator of intrapsychic change... holy fuck, shifts happen.