On knowing Love.

I have so many questions I seemingly want to ask you, and they all slip away the moment our eyes lock.

There is so much I don’t know about you that I seemingly want to know, and it all dissipates into absolute knowingness when our fingertips touch.

There are so many things I seemingly want to explore with you, topics to talk about and analyze and process, places to be and things to do, and they all disappear when we hold space.

All of the desirousness of being anywhere but here and now and doing exactly what we’re doing dissolves when I’m with you. I drop out of individual mind. I feel completely embodied. I feel content. I am acutely aware of being complete — in just Being, completely.

It’s you, and it isn’t you. It’s me, and it isn’t me.

I feel completely connected with my Self, and completely connected with You.

—

I attempt understanding with my little mind.

Thoughtless.

Speechless.

It’s incomprehensible.

—

But I know Love; every iota of my mind-body knows It.

Asexual orgasm, self, and non-seeking

Over the last four days, I’ve been experiencing pulsing waves of energy starting at the top-back of the head and dissipating into everythingness — non-local mind-body orgasms of the completely asexual variety: a jolt touches; the eyes close; the ears hear fire burning behind the orbitals; the skin conducts electricity, and goosebumps arise; the body’s deeper musculature contracts; I exhale loudly.

And it’s not just me (and that fantastical imagination station atop the spine) that’s perceiving these pulses — a couple of other people have now said they can sense it (“You’re vibrating,” “you’re buzzing”).

These energetics are sometimes triggered by external events, and sometimes I’m there by simply relaxing; like seeing happening by not desperately seeking, like yawning happening only when not attending to yawn mechanics, like sexual orgasm happening by letting go.

—

Initially, when the analytical module of the cognitive process would reassemble itself between waves, I found myself reflecting on the experience — judging and marveling and analyzing.

This is insane. Whoa. How is this happening to me? What does this mean? 

That is, a small, individual self arises, and attempts to claim as its own an experience well beyond its own creative capacity.

It was unusual for me that this self-seeking didn’t arise very frequently or persistently. Perhaps more unusual was the fact that rather than indulging in the masturbation (in what was once typical Dana-the-intellectual or Dana-the-scientist or Dana-the-philosopher fashion), cogitating on the topic was rather unpleasantly agitating.

I was annoying myself trying to intellectually understand the phenomenal and inexplicable (however infrequently). It felt like a brain gnat.

Yes! Awesome! Annoying means a red flag. Red flag means attention, action is needed to solve the problem. And in my experience, the problem is always me.

—

I called a friend, Paul Heddeman, who is a western teacher of non-dualism out of San Francisco.

Within less than five minutes, I saw the problem clearly. Within 15 minutes, we were off the phone and I was walking lightly again through life.

—

From years of meditation practice, I had gained a capacity to dismiss easily the fantastical phenomena arising in the meditative state — observing without grasping or perseverating or analyzing. Yet for whatever reason, it didn’t occur to me that that was exactly exactly what was happening here during the waking mindful state.

The gnawing gnat was the individual self desperate to assert its relevance where it clearly had none. Recognizing the little hairy beast for what it was, I swatted it lightly away. And I continue dismissing it gently whenever it returns again. Again and again. And expansive sky clearsi of clouds to a vast and limitless blue.

—

Given this unfolding, I’ve learned that my singular role in this grand energetic seems to be to enjoy the ride — to be present and simply bear witness to the embodied state without claiming it as my own (i.e., identifying it with a small, individual self).

The arising energetic phenomena and subsequently dismissing small self phenomena have allowed me to see, via direct experience, that I am plugged into some kind of Source Energy.

Any time I drop below thoughts, I become aware of this Source Energy.

It is palpable.

It flows through the body.

I am part of It, indistinguishable as the individual droplet is from the ocean.

On Being in an Asexual Orgasm Loop

This Saturday (1/12/19), I experienced a psycho-physical event unlike any I’d ever had. Because it stands outside the realm of rational explanation (much like when the cup moved, thus seemingly breaking the laws of physics, per an earlier post here), I’ll simply describe it here.

—

We were driving back home after a long day spent outside exploring John’s Canyon on Cedar Mesa. It was a truly perfect day, steeped in deep gratitude and appreciation of the landscape and my partner, and awareness of the interconnectedness of minds and bodies and the land. What had started as an adventure at the crack of dawn was now drawing to a close with the setting sun. I was feeling completely fulfilled, brimming with peaceful, expansive joy and well being. And then we turned the corner on the Moki (Moqui) Dugway, at the edge of Cedar Mesa, overlooking Monument Valley and Valley of the Gods.

Bam. It hit me. The vastness. The colors. The forms. The expanse of non-forms.

Can we please stop? We pulled over. I jumped out of the car.

It started with a pulse of energy originating at the top-back of my head and running down my spine. The body electric. A total non-local orgasm. My heart leapt to fill the space of non-form, and my awareness cracked open. My breath quickened alongside my heart rate. Goosebumps covered my skin and I shivered deep into the core of my being even though I wasn’t cold. I felt like laughing and crying and exploding into stardust — completely present, totally embodied, aware beyond comprehension, and transcendent — all at the same time. Speechless. Thoughtless. Full of Beingness. When one pulse of energy flowed through another began, deep rolling waves on an infinite ocean of bliss.

Wow.

At some point we sat at the edge of the ledge, holding hands, and kissed. I dissolved completely. I experienced his consciousness as my own. His warmth was my own. The awe and wonder and overwhelm were my own. Perfection, perfection, perfection upon perfection in one infinitely streaming present moment. There was nothing to add, there was nothing to take away. I wasn’t just there — I was everywhere.

Suddenly (was it minutes later, or was this still eternity?), I became aware of the freezing temperature and felt a little cold. Let’s head back.

—

The waves of energy kept rolling through my mind-body complex, over and over and over again, peaking for the next hour if not longer. It was like experiencing a seemingly endless mind-body orgasm of infinite magnitude.

Wow. What is happening to me? I wanted to ask him, when the little intellectual module of individual mind coalesced enough to process.

I couldn’t stop.

Oh, God, please help me, I prayed.

It wouldn’t stop.

It wasn’t just happening to me, it was happening through me.

It didn’t stop.

Vision for an Integrative Wellness Center

I see myself holding space for holistic wellness and psycho-spiritual healing within the greater landscape of Moab Valley and the town community.

I see myself building a safe sandbox for learning well beingness and playing with others.

I see myself coalescing wellness resources for ease of access to services (for wellness seekers), and the more effective provision of services (for providers) — including procuring physical resources, developing practice space, inviting and engaging practitioners, facilitating communities, and organizing activities and retreats.

I see myself teaching beingness on an indivudal or group level through mindful doing — for example, guiding walking tours.

I am committed to the egalitarian facilitation of wellness in the spirit of community service; I believe that access ought to be available to all those who authentically seek wellness. I believe that services ought to be available to low income wellness seekers through mindful corporate structuring and a grants or scholarship program. I believe that practitioners should be paid a living wage, receiving base salary to provide services to those in need. I believe that this can be subsidized by higher income wellness seekers.

I see myself developing a strategic plan for the execution of the shared vision and taking a central role in coordinating resources and managing teams of co-creatives in the execution of this plan. 

I believe that I am, and will continue to be, guided throughout this entire process, and I believe that the Highest, Greatest Good will become manifest through me as a humble servant of our community and in collaboration with others so inspired. 

Healing Hands | the Channel | Beingness

It was a late evening in early March 2018 when I found myself holding hands among a strange group of women. We were practicing  a “connected healing” circle, my first such practice with Tammy Goldthorpe, a healer in the Lakota tradition.

I was open to whatever the experience might bring but not desirous or expectant of anything.

As is typical for me during spiritual practices, I cleared my mind before we began and asked Divine Creative Intelligence to flow though me — surrendering completely to the Great Reality.

We were guided in a deep but gentle meditation. As willing as I was to participate, I experienced a blankness of mind and resonant serenity that precluded any real visualization during the guided meditation. I was simply still, vast within the ever-so-black emptiness.

At one point in the practice, Rosanna, the beautiful, busty blue-eyed blond in my right hand started bawling. I directed the lens of my attention to Rosanna, just holding her lovingly in my mind’s eye.

It was a peaceful experience for me.

The circle concluded, and then we all talked.

—

“[Dana,] I could feel the love flowing through you from across the room,” Tammy nodded in my direction, “Powerful. It was beautiful.”

(Funny, I thought, because I couldn’t feel a thing from within the blankness.)

Rosanna added, “Dana, I have to tell you, I felt the greatest, most powerful love flowing through your hand — I’ve never felt love like this in my entire life  — and your hand felt hot. So hot. I started crying, it was so overwhelming. It was coming from you, from your hand.”

(Now two people are feeling it? And I didn’t feel a thing?)

Rosanna continued, “I was feeling so much pain, and I felt you take it away from me. So much pain, and it just left me. And more love and warmth was coming from your healing and loving energy through your hand than I’ve ever felt.”

(I felt nothing. At this point I’m just flabbergasted.)

Tammy affirmed, “You should allow some of that energy flowing through you to work on you, too.”

I should, I thought.

—

The next morning, I woke up feeling violently ill. Nauseous. Shaky. Like I had ingested poison, a hangover sans psychoactive substances.

What the fuck?

Next time, I’m not holding anyone’s energy for any reason, I resolutely declared.

I’m just letting it all pass through me...

And I’m allowing It to work on me.

—

And so today, I do. As I have been.

What passes through me is not of me, and I hold nothing unto myself.

I am free from the insomnia, tension headaches, generalized anxiety, and compulsive self-regulatory behaviors that plagued my early adulthood since childhood.

I experience a complete and utter peace of mind and body not only in meditative practice, during mindfulness, during focused activity — but as the new baseline.

I am filled with gratitude, wonder, and awe — in beingness — and not as in a transitory state.

And I look forward to sharing this gift with whomever may accept it.