Asexual orgasm, self, and non-seeking

Over the last four days, I’ve been experiencing pulsing waves of energy starting at the top-back of the head and dissipating into everythingness — non-local mind-body orgasms of the completely asexual variety: a jolt touches; the eyes close; the ears hear fire burning behind the orbitals; the skin conducts electricity, and goosebumps arise; the body’s deeper musculature contracts; I exhale loudly.

And it’s not just me (and that fantastical imagination station atop the spine) that’s perceiving these pulses — a couple of other people have now said they can sense it (“You’re vibrating,” “you’re buzzing”).

These energetics are sometimes triggered by external events, and sometimes I’m there by simply relaxing; like seeing happening by not desperately seeking, like yawning happening only when not attending to yawn mechanics, like sexual orgasm happening by letting go.

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Initially, when the analytical module of the cognitive process would reassemble itself between waves, I found myself reflecting on the experience — judging and marveling and analyzing.

This is insane. Whoa. How is this happening to me? What does this mean? 

That is, a small, individual self arises, and attempts to claim as its own an experience well beyond its own creative capacity.

It was unusual for me that this self-seeking didn’t arise very frequently or persistently. Perhaps more unusual was the fact that rather than indulging in the masturbation (in what was once typical Dana-the-intellectual or Dana-the-scientist or Dana-the-philosopher fashion), cogitating on the topic was rather unpleasantly agitating.

I was annoying myself trying to intellectually understand the phenomenal and inexplicable (however infrequently). It felt like a brain gnat.

Yes! Awesome! Annoying means a red flag. Red flag means attention, action is needed to solve the problem. And in my experience, the problem is always me.

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I called a friend, Paul Heddeman, who is a western teacher of non-dualism out of San Francisco.

Within less than five minutes, I saw the problem clearly. Within 15 minutes, we were off the phone and I was walking lightly again through life.

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From years of meditation practice, I had gained a capacity to dismiss easily the fantastical phenomena arising in the meditative state — observing without grasping or perseverating or analyzing. Yet for whatever reason, it didn’t occur to me that that was exactly exactly what was happening here during the waking mindful state.

The gnawing gnat was the individual self desperate to assert its relevance where it clearly had none. Recognizing the little hairy beast for what it was, I swatted it lightly away. And I continue dismissing it gently whenever it returns again. Again and again. And expansive sky clearsi of clouds to a vast and limitless blue.

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Given this unfolding, I’ve learned that my singular role in this grand energetic seems to be to enjoy the ride — to be present and simply bear witness to the embodied state without claiming it as my own (i.e., identifying it with a small, individual self).

The arising energetic phenomena and subsequently dismissing small self phenomena have allowed me to see, via direct experience, that I am plugged into some kind of Source Energy.

Any time I drop below thoughts, I become aware of this Source Energy.

It is palpable.

It flows through the body.

I am part of It, indistinguishable as the individual droplet is from the ocean.