On the Bridge

I closed my eyes and laid my head back on the hard sandstone, next to the river, deep in meditation. This was May 2nd. “I” had dissolved completely into the white, rushing flow of Energy. There were no forms in this space. It was limitless, whole, safe, and secure. It was warm and soft and expansive. The energy hummed loudly, steady and pleasant and all-encompassing. The “I” (that wasn’t there anymore) was complete, and completely cocooned, in a place beyond space-time.

The dissolution of individual self was absolute. Yet on some level, I was aware of breathing through a body, the sensation of air filling lungs and an expanding chest. On some level, I was aware on my friend patiently waiting for me to come back into the body; time was presumably passing; how long was I gone? I was gone forever. I could be gone forever. “I” was gone in “forever.” The totality of Beingness was so perfect, the unity so complete, I was reluctant to break the immersion. I really, really, didn’t want to come back into my body. But the body needed a drink of water and so I opened my eyes to consensus reality.

The world of form was an assault on the senses. Completely jarring. How am I to be in this reality?

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I’ve been awakening each morning with a vibration in my chest, a deep buzzing in the heart space. It feels like an overloaded washing machine shaking. It’s been getting stronger each successive morning. I’m also aware of the chest vibration throughout the day any time I relax and allow it to reach my awareness.

At first I was anxious that the sensation might be low-grade anxiety, but when I sense into it, it isn’t that. When I sense into it, suspending judgement and explanation, it simply feels like a light, empty metal ammo box trying to break open. There’s no fear or discomfort associated with it, it’s just unusual. The inside of the box is empty, vast, and far beyond the confines of my physical body. And when I direct my awareness inside the box, I find immeasurable peace, stillness, and quietude.

When taken alongside the non-sexual full-body orgasms — the energetic pulses originating from the top of my skull — this body feels completely electric. It’s seemingly under conscious control only in so far as I can disinhibit an ever-present, ever-flowing, infinite energetic process expressing itself through a finite physical being.

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I’ve consulted with a number of wise friends about these unusual energetic phenomena — including an international teacher of non-dualism, a cranio-sacral therapist, and a Zen Buddhist monk and Harvard-trained psychiatrist — I seem to be experiencing some kind of tangible, extremely sensate awakening and psycho-physical reorganization process.

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The story I tell is that of living on the bridge between individual self and the illusion of consensus reality, and the space of unbounded self, unity consciousness, and Ultimate Reality. I’m embodied, and I’m seemingly as awake as an dreamer can be within the dream. And it’s a fucking weird place to be.