I first realized that until I could accept myself fully, surrendering to the fact that I was, indeed, an alcoholic (among many other facets, positive, negative, and neutral) -- and could love myself not in spite of my imperfections, but because of them -- I would never know the meaning of unconditional love.
I would never know unconditional love for myself if I chose to embrace only my Light aspects, and not the Dark. I could not ignore the shadows as if they weren't there, because then I would never love myself completely. I could not hold the belief that I could become all Light if I just worked on it hard enough, so that some day, I would become "deserving" of unconditional love. If I needed to be "x" in order to be lovable, then this love would be, by definition, conditional. If I loathed my Darkness -- a necessary counterbalance to my Light, part of the human condition, part of me -- then I could never truly love me, unconditionally.
The beauty of my Higher Self -- the Light -- is the perfect way in which it can love an imperfect "me," shadows and all. My Higher Self embraces a little "me" in its totality, acknowledging that without this exact arrangement of Light and Dark, I would cease to be "me."
I am the totality of both my Light and the Dark -- I am Dana, Artist in Recovery.
Just as a pure white canvas remains blank until inked, so I stand, human, inked by learning and experience. Beautiful and unique. My life is my art.
Should my paint spill, seemingly accidentally, creating an unexpected splash of color (as it did this summer when I relapsed), then I pause and reflect on the "mess." I wait for the pigment to dry. I take a look at this newly created pattern, which was not part of my plan for this portrait of me. Then I realize that perhaps I had been trying too hard to make the near-sighted vision of a little "me" a reality. I had to let go. Perhaps I needed to create this spill in order to step back and to see the canvas as a whole, to limn the greater vision of a Higher Self.
The spill in my portrait is painted into harmony with the whole when I remove the little "me" and allow my Higher Self to hold the palette and pen. The dismal spill becomes the painting's most interesting feature -- an unexpected and beautiful twist in what otherwise may have turned out to be a conventional landscape.
As I love this unique painting -- me in my totality, my whole self, my life -- I see my capacity for unconditional love. I understand that I love this painting not in spite of what was an unexpected spill, but because of what was painted into it when the spill happened. The Light and the Dark are inextricable, and my Highest Self embraces all of me in the Light, shadows and all, not in spite of the Dark, but because of it. So I love myself, unconditionally.
Just as this magnificent capacity for unconditional self-love has been unlocked and actualized within me, I see that it is now available for me to give freely to others. Because I could love myself unconditionally, I could now love another human being, unconditionally, completely, and without abandon. I've grown in my capacity for love for other human beings, and my heart swells, immeasurable large, brimming with the joy and Light of a love amplified and ready to be shared.
I start by practicing acts of unconditional love with the people who surround me. I am patient, I am nurturing, I am tolerant, I am kind. People notice and ask me why I'm glowing -- I'm glowing again! I can't wipe the serene smile off of my face, and it's been weeks ongoing.
My thoughts turn to Jason. I can love him, unconditionally, at a distance -- and I do, sending him my artwork, letters, notes, and musings to show him that I care, with no expectation of love in return. I show him that I love him through my actions and with my words, and this does not depend of whether he acts of of love toward me, showers me with love, or otherwise tells me that he loves me. I grow in my capacity for unconditional love in real time, and through practice.
This unconditional love -- first towards myself, and then toward other human beings -- is a realization of my Highest Self, a treasured, divine, and eternal gift of the Universe.
I transcend all circumstance on this newly found gift. It was there all along. I just needed to unlock it.
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