Plant Teachers: Lessons on Heartache, Self, and my IUD

I sat with plant teachers this weekend. Hours before the medicine and the ceremonies began, my then significant other broke up with me because they just "weren't feeling It." My heart was crushed, and I felt blindsided. I've sat in enough ceremony to know that everything that arises from the moment we commit to ceremony to the post-integration period (well after the closing of the ceremonial space) is all part of the ceremony; in some way, all of my life is ceremony. 

I allowed the painful feelings to flow, cracking open my heartmind to whatever lessons the Universe would offer.

–

My then partner had, and still has, the utmost integrity; I whole-heartedly love and respect them as a human being and truly honor they way they exist in this world. When they gently and lovingly shared with me that they just weren't feeling a romantic partnership between us, it hurt, aching deeply and powerfully. And through this pain, I gained two invaluable lessons.

The first came in the beautiful way in which this person approached me in sharing their feelings with me. This allowed me to begin healing the old wounds of feeling discarded by men; the romantic interest prior was especially traumatic to me with his callousness, and so this loving human being is allowing me to rewire that trauma alongside some much deeper traumas with men. Indeed, we're still processing, still in authentic relationship even though the form of our relationship may be shifting; and I'm grateful that they're willing to go on this journey with me, allowing me to realize greater wholeness and efficacy as a human being.

Note: Yage is not a cactus. Yage is a blend of the ayahuasca vine (Banisteriopsis caapi) and a shrub called chacruna (Psychotria viridis), among other Amazonian jungle plants.

–

A second lesson arose most unexpectedly. I brought the topic of relationships more generally into the medicine space. The clarity didn't come in the way I expected, and definitely not in a domain I could have become aware of on my own. And the clarity didn't arise with respect to anyone outside of my own relationship with my self. 

I see clearly that this is not about my relationship with any one man or woman, or men or women more generally – I realized that my "problems" with relationships arise from problems with my relationship with my own Self. 

Most importantly, when I make right on my relationship with my Self, when I am in integrity with myself, I will naturally be in right relationship and integrity with others. 

I realized that I haven't been authentic with myself, I haven't been in integrity with myself, I haven't been in right relationship with myself – because of the hormonal IUD's I've put in my body since 2012 – I haven't been allowing my body to cycle naturally. I haven't been willing to listen to the incredible wisdom of my physical body. 

I have disrespected the intelligence of my Creatix/Creator-given female embodiment, telling myself I didn't want to cycle because it was inconvenient, or that I didn't want (accidental) kids... when in fact I put an alien device in my body which was sending its own messages to my mind-heart-body this whole time, hijacking this masterful machinery of the human body with its own indifferent purposes ("NO KIDS"). My intellect (which selected the damn thing in the first place) was just engaging in post-hoc rationalization. 

I put it there, and its false, inorganic signals have affected not only my relationship with my own self – my perceived needs, wants, and desires – including the specifics of my attraction to men – as well as the pheromonal signals I'm sending potential mates and their resultant attraction towards me.

Mind. Blown.

There's a whole other post in here about true freedom and perceived autonomy – the extent to which my mindbody is constrained to think and feel in certain ways, the degrees of freedom I actually have versus I feel I have as an embodied being – but I digress.

–

I feel so sad that I was so unaware, and for so long. I feel sad to have dishonored myself and my soul's deepest desires (to be fully and completely and wholly embodied) in this way. I want nothing more than to live in complete integrity with myself on all levels. 

–

I feel like I wouldn't have come into this new, deeper self-awareness – and committed desire to step into deeper integrity with the whole of my self on all levels – without this person telling me he wasn't feeling It towards me, and then me bringing this question about relationships into the medicine ceremonies with me. 

I'm grateful to the yage and to the star people. 

I'm grateful for the clarity and awareness brought forth by all this pain. 

Note: Yage is not a cactus. Yage is a blend of the ayahuasca vine (Banisteriopsis caapi) and a shrub called chacruna (Psychotria viridis), among other Amazonian jungle plants.